Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
