your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
