Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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