you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
