why didn't you poke me back
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
