She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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