Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
