so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
