ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize