Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
