Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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