hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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