if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I want her autograph on my taint
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
