I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
