My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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