Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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