He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
