we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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