I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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