the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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