Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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