Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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