Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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