when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
