I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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