It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
