i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
