he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
