Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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