Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize