I can tuck mytits in my pants
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
