In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
