I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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