I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just high enough for therapy.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
