i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
