it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
