Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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