Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
