So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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