His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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