In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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