I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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