Just fell off a train. Bad.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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