The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
