I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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