Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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