You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
