My liver just broke up with me...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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