Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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