Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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