This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
