i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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