whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Found your dick twin last night
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
