the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
