Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
