After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
