ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
