I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
