Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You can't just leave with hair like that
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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