At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
barbara walters just said penis...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
