WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
