So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
