He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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