Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
