i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
