im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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